STILL SATURDAY, AUGUST 2

(Still last night)

“Do you know how to roll?” she asked me.

“No! Do you?” A snicker.

“NO!” A guffaw. Hysterical laughter. Excellent smoke, but no way to smoke it! Oh, man!

“I don’t have a pipe. I didn’t think I’d be getting high in Mexico! My dad warned me about the dangers of getting caught ‘with drugs’ in another country, getting thrown in jail without any Constitutional rights to protect me. You didn’t happen to bring a pipe, did you?”

“I don’t even own one! How can we smoke this?”

“If only we had a roller. Hey, I know, I can use something like a roller, like a bamboo roller, something to roll with, make a roller, let’s see, what is that size and shape? I know, a dollar bill! Where is a hundred dollar bill?”

Actually, I meant a 100-peso bill, but Lisa knew that and she got one out of her purse.

I flattened the bill on the desk and centered one of the rolling papers on it. Then I put a small amount of pot on the paper and spread it out evenly. I rolled up the contents inside the paper and kind of squished it down into a cigarette shape, rolling the bundle back and forth between my fingers, pulled open the bill and licked the paper, then rolled it all up. I held it for a few seconds, then opened the 100-peso bill and saw the first joint I ever rolled. It was a little lumpy, but it looked good. I held it up to show her.

“You did it!” she shouted, then, “Shhh! We can’t let Cande see it. We can’t smoke it here, no, not in Cande’s house. She was talking about ganja the other day and how bad it is, how terrible.”

“Why’d she say that?”

“We were watching TV and they mentioned it on the news, all bad press, propaganda. You and I know it’s not as bad as the media says, but people who have never tried it think it’s so much worse than it is. They are afraid, fear of the unknown.”

“Really. Ignorance is the worst teacher.”

I wanted to smoke it then and there, in our room, since Cande never comes in our room, but Lisa insisted that we protect Cande by taking it out of her house. We decided to go for a walk. We told Cande we’d be back soon and went outside. When we were a couple of blocks from home, we had another problem: no matches. Neither of us knew the Spanish word for matches, and we didn’t want to go back and face Cande to get a dictionary. We were only a few meters from the nearest little store.

“You go in.”

“No, you.”

“Let’s both go in.”

We went into the mercado and looked around. We didn’t see any matches. A young man in his 20’s was standing behind the counter, and we assumed he worked there.

“Se habla ingles?” Lisa asked.

“No, no ingles.”

Great, he didn’t know any English and we didn’t know the word we needed to know in Spanish. How could we ask for matches? I decided to try my communication skills.

“Necisitamos…umm…como se dice…matches?”

I tried simple sign language as I spoke, but he just gave me a blank look.

“No te entiendo.”

He looked from me to Lisa, obviously not understanding. Lisa tried again.

“Para los cigarmos, porque…” Lisa mimed lighting a cigarette.

“Aahhh, cerillos!” He smiled, nodding his head. He reached under the counter and pulled out a small box of 100 wood matches.

“Si, si, cerillos!” Lisa shouted, smiling. We were all relieved and exited about our communication breakthrough.

“How much? Cuanto cuestan?” I asked.

“Para ustedes, un centavo.”

“No es gratis?” Lisa asked teasingly.

“Nada es gratis!” he said with a grin.

“Verdad, verdad.”

SATURDAY—SABADO, EL 2 DE AGOSTO

Yesterday (Friday), I slept most of the day. When I finally woke up in the early evening, Lisa was here, and she told me the others had left for the trip to the waterfall. Lisa didn’t desert me! She is a good friend. I felt fine last night, recharged from all that sleep, but it was too late to go with the group to the waterfall. Oh, well, who wants to ride on the train for 9 hours (one way) anyway, just to see a waterfall?

Lisa told me she had had a headache all day.

I shared with her, “My mom would automatically say, ‘Did you take an aspirin? If you didn’t take an aspirin, don’t complain to me about a headache,’ as if that’s the only possible cure. It never helps my headaches, so I don’t take it, so I can never tell her when I have a headache.”

“Aspirin eats my stomach, burns it.”

“Mine too! So, how do you spell relief from a headache?”

“Either m-a-s-s-a-g-e or h-e-r-b, the simple ways. Those are the only ways I can get rid of a headache, even a migraine.”

“Migraine? What’s that like?”

“Well, I guess they’re different for everyone, but when I get them, my head feels squished, and I feel spacey, and my vision is affected. Lights seem too bright and sounds are amplified, everything seems too loud. Everything bothers me.”

“What do you mean, your vision is affected?”

“Like, I see these little dots, little lines, at first a small patch, then it gets bigger until I do something about it.”

“Like a blind spot?”

“Exactly!”

“I always called those protein headaches’ because the only way I can get rid of them is by eating a concentrated dose of protein, like peanut butter, then the blind spot fades away, and I’m left with a major headache for a few hours. Aspirin doesn’t even begin to help. Usually I have to sleep for 10 – 12 hours.”

“Hours? Jenny, take one hit and your headache will be gone immediately! That always works for me. In limited doses, herb can be a miracle! Have you ever noticed how the benefits of herb are never mentioned?”

“Really, that’s for sure. It’s the only thing that can relieve my monthly cramps—the ones Mom says don’t exist because she never had them—and I’ve tried everything, from heating pads to hot baths to drinking a beer to those feminine-relief pills to special diets and special exercises. Nothing worked until I tried smoking a joint. That worked very well. No more cramps! Gone instantly!”

“Yeah, and it works as a laxative, too, not too powerful, but just enough when you need a little help. And when I hurt my back in gym class, the pain pills the doctor gave me made me sick to my stomach. A friend of mine helped my back relax and feel better with just a little taste of a joint.”

“That reminds me…”

I found my swim bag and looked inside.

“…I forgot all about what Dany gave me!”

Lisa watched me curiously as I pulled out my swim suit—I still hadn’t rinsed out the chlorine—and the folded magazine page packet that Dany had given me. I sat at the desk and opened the packet carefully. Inside were 6 rolling papers and about 6 joints worth of marijuana. It looked similar to the stuff Mario had had, dark green and leafy.

“Dany sold that to you?”

“No, Dany gave this to me.”

“Does he smoke it?”

“He said he doesn’t.” I told her about how he had gotten it from the lady at Robinson, and we agreed that the situation seemed a bit odd. But who were we to say what was odd in Mexico?

“Let me see it.”

I handed her the packet and she examined the contents. She looked, touched and smelled it, then gave it back to me.

Gotta run!

A BIT LATER AUGUST 2

Chihuahua Aquaduct

(Yesterday morning…)

“Jenny, wake up, we gotta go! It’s 7:15! Wake up!”

I didn’t know what she meant, her words seemed so unusual. Then, as I got a glimpse of this reality, I noticed that my stomach was still aching. Tengo un dolor de estomago! My head was buzzing from lack of sleep, like I had just come out of a loud concert. Somehow, I managed to tell Lisa that I had to go to class later. I guess she went without me, because when I woke up at 12:30, she wasn’t here.

Right now—what time is it? I don’t know—I’m lying in bed, sick. I feel a little better than I did, but I’m still a long way from feeling good. I’m afraid to eat or move. I don’t want to throw up again! I want to talk to Lisa.

Does Cande know I’m here? The house is completely quiet. I feel so alone. The rest of the group is going to a waterfall today. Lisa said she didn’t want to go, because she wants to see Roberto tonight, but I think she went with them to the waterfall anyway.

I feel so miserable. Why didn’t Bart visit me? I went to see him when he was sick. Maybe he’s trying to get back at me for going out with Dany, but I thought Bart was my friend. I don’t want Dany to see me like this. I would love to see Bart. Where is Lisa? Doesn’t she care if I’m sick? No one to talk to, nobody cares about me. I miss Jeremy. I miss Mom and Dad. Maybe I can sleep through the whole weekend. I decided late last night that I wanted to go to the waterfall (la cascada) but I missed it.

Who misses me? (Nobody…)

1:30 AM AUGUST 2

That was so cool that she could talk about it with Roberto!  Why, if I’m in love with Dany, can’t I bring myself to mention protection to him? Romantic love and openness should go together. So why didn’t they in this case? I DO love Dany, I can feel it. Hmmm, we have a communication problem, and it’s not the language difference. (Excellent observation, Inspector.) I just can’t talk to Dany about things like that.

Right then, Lisa yelled. “Ow!  My contact! It just popped out of my eye!”

“Your contact popped out of your eye? Mine have never done that!”

“Help me look for it! But be careful where you step!”

“Where would you go if you were a contact flying out of an eye?”

Even though it was very late and I was still feeling sick, I got up my strength and switched on the light. We started our search from the beds, afraid to step on the floor. Lisa thought she saw the tiny thing go one way, so we looked all over the floor by her bed, on her bed, under the night stand, under both beds. We were both so tired, we started getting giggly again for no apparent reason. We searched the whole room but couldn’t find the silly little lens.

“It’s not here,” she announced, after we both spent about an hour of crawling around the room.

“It MUST be here. You had it on in this room, it flew out in this room, it has to still be in this room!”

That sounded logical to both of us, so we continued our search with a bit of renewed energy. We switched places. She looked under my bed while I combed her bedspread. We were going to find that elusive lens! I was about to tell Lisa that it for sure wasn’t on her bed when I noticed she had fallen asleep on the floor.

I was determined not to give up! However, I guess I was also tired because suddenly she was waking me up, shouting in a whisper, “I found it!” She held it up to show me, as proof, a tiny, green-tinted lens. I pulled myself awake enough to see that I had crashed out on her bed.

“Where was it?” I asked hoarsely.

“Right there!” She pointed to a spot by the corner of her bed, a spot we had both gone over several times. Those silly contacts, popping out of eyes at strange times. What will they think of next? She removed both contacts and put them safely in the case. We each climbed into our own beds and promptly fell asleep with the light still on, at about 3:30 A.M.

Some time later, I woke up again, freezing, with pains in my stomach. I couldn’t be pregnant, could I? My period’s due in a couple of days. No, this tummy ache was what I had been warned against, this was what I got for drinking the tap water. I had only had a little bit, but that was all it took to get sick. I made my way to the bathroom and almost passed out. I stayed in there for at least an hour. It seemed like forever. Tears came to my eyes and I missed Mom and her comforting voice, her soft, healing touch. Only she could help me feel better when I was feeling so sick. Mama!

Finally, I felt like I could leave the bathroom and return to bed. I sort of crawled to the bedroom, pulled some socks onto my ice-cold feet, and fell asleep. I went into a beautiful floating dream, where I was floating over beautiful gardens and waterfalls, looking for a treasure. Lisa’s voice brought me back to our room.

NEAR 1:00 AM AUGUST 2

Our conversation continued…

“Lisa, how well do you know Roberto? What if he has something?”

“Has something? Like what? V.D.?”

“How do you know? Did you ask him?”

“Did you ask Dany?”

“No, but—”

“He doesn’t have V.D.!”

“Just because Roberto wears an old army jacket and doesn’t shave every day, that doesn’t mean he has a disease! You’re judging him by how he looks and dresses.”

“And grooms himself—or doesn’t.”

“Yeah, Dany looks all neat and clean, but I bet Dany has had a lot more lovers than Roberto has!  You are the one who better be careful.”

She could be right. I hadn’t thought of that before. Dany looks so good, the thought had never crossed my mind. And I couldn’t possibly get pregnant, either, unless I had planned it first, right? (And I certainly didn’t plan it! No, I am not ready to be a mother! I still need my mother!) Well. I hadn’t worried about that at all. It wasn’t too late to start worrying about it, but I had enough on my mind, and worrying wouldn’t help.

“We’ll never know, will we?” I asked, thinking that if I do get V.D., then I’ll know. Why hadn’t I thought about it before? Love is not only blind, love is dumb. Or, to put it correctly, people in love don’t always think.

I didn’t want to argue with Lisa, so I decided to stop acting like Mom. I just didn’t want Lisa to get in any trouble, that was all.

“Just be careful, OK? I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

Pause. Long Pause.

She didn’t answer.

“You could use a rubber,” I suggested.

She giggled as she rolled off the bed. The tension was broken.

“I thought of that! But how can I buy one? Do they have them in men’s rooms at the gas stations? Where do they sell them? At drug stores? And how do you say rubber in Spanish?”

Good questions! She HAD thought about it! Good girl! “I guess you’d feel stupid asking Roberto.”

“Jenny, that’s a great idea! I mean, if we’re going to touch each other, be intimate and make love, we should be able to talk about it. He’s so sweet, I’m sure he’ll understand. Right?”

“Right.”

“I can just tell him I don’t want to get pregnant. Then, if I’m already pregnant, I’ll know the baby is Mario’s.”

That’s planning ahead.

“Ask him to get the rubbers. It should be his responsibility too, not just yours alone.”

A LITTLE LATER AUGUST 2

“What did she say?”

“She said you—never mind. I don’t want to get into this, this is between you and JoAnne.”

“Why? There’s nothing between me and JoAnne. Couldn’t they tell what she was doing, acting upon her jealous impulses? I am the most non-violent person you’ve ever met, I am a lover, not a fighter!”

“She—she accused you of being more than a lover. I know it’s not my business, but I would like to know, tell me honestly, did you and Bart ever do it? Honestly.”

“I told you, no! Did he say we did?”

“No, but I was wondering… did you ever do it with two guys within the same cycle?”

“What do you mean?”

“If you did it with two different guys between your periods, and you got pregnant…”

“Lisa, what are you saying? Did you…”

“Roberto. Did you meet him? He is so sexy. He has deep, blue eyes, and the cutest curly hair! He really turns me on. We were out walking, and we went to a park, and we wanted to, I wanted to, and I know he did, but it didn’t seem like the right place or time. I didn’t want to stop myself, he’s so sexy! But I kept it under control.”

“Roberto?” Did she mean the short guy with the army jacket?

“Curly brown hair? Smiles at you but not at me?” I didn’t think he was cute at all. He was not nearly as beautiful as Dany!

“Yeah, isn’t he cute? He’s so nice. I want to be with him, and we have a date for tomorrow. He has a place for us to go. It’s so romantic, he is so romantic!”

“What about Ben?”

“Why are you asking about Ben? Ben is different. He is more intellectual. He’s 26 years old, like an older brother. I like him, but he doesn’t turn me on like Roberto does. Besides, Ben went out of town for a day or two. You know, don’t you think it’s strange that a guy 26 years old still lives with his parents? Back home, any 26-year-old that lives with his parents is either a mama’s boy or a real loser. But here, everything is different!”

Haven’t I been thinking that? (Yes.)

(Hold on, be right back)

JUST PAST MIDNIGHT AUGUST 2

Then Dany had to teach a swimming class, since one of the other teachers wasn’t there. I watched, but I still felt sick. I fell asleep in the sun, and at one point bumped my head on something, but I don’t remember what. I have a small lump on the back of my head now, right on the bottom of the curve of my head, right side. It still hurts.

The rest my companeros that I had come with left without me on the bus. I felt so sick, I couldn’t get up. I thought I heard Mom’s voice, telling me to relax and breathe deeply, and to put my head between my knees if I felt faint. I felt like I was going in and out of a dream. Then I was in a room, like a little nurse’s station or something and Manuel came and gave me something with lemon in it. He said it would make me throw up, and I wanted to, but I just couldn’t. I dozed off in the room for a minute or an hour, I don’t know, and I put on my sundress over my swim suit. I was getting ready to get on the next bus, but Manuel stopped me. Dany was already gone. I didn’t know when he had left. He didn’t bother to say good-bye, but he did tell me again that he loves me, and that he wants to go out again. (I know I didn’t dream that part.)

Manuel told me his father would give me a ride home, and I said, gracias, no, I could take the bus. Manuel insisted. I had no choice. I was fighting sleep the whole ride home, but I got here safely, thanked the nice man, ran to the bathroom again, then crashed, fell asleep hard. I woke up and could hear people speaking Spanish, and I wasn’t sure at first where I was. When I finally got my bearings, I wished Lisa were here to give me some socks, but she wasn’t. I was freezing and shivering.

I remembered I had broken a date with Bart, and Lisa was probably with Diego, all three of them at their home for dinner, where I was supposed to be. But no, I was disoriented, I was sick, I was lying on the cold bathroom floor. What could I do? I couldn’t possibly make it to the phone in the hall. That would require too much heat and energy, and I didn’t have much of either one. I crawled back to bed and fell asleep again, hoping Lisa would appear and wake me. I eventually woke by myself, and Lisa still wasn’t home. I dozed again.

Some time later, Lisa’s voice woke me up.

It was 1:00 AM.

She said everyone in our group was mad at me for staying at the park.

“Mad at me? I was sick.”

“JoAnne told everybody it was just an act to keep Dany away from her, and they think you are really low and manipulative.”

“Yeah, like Dany was just about to go after her. He stayed with me all day by choice, until he left the park, but JoAnne was already gone by then.”

“I told them you weren’t like that, but you weren’t there to defend yourself and she really trashed your name.”

VERY LATE AUGUST 1

Manuel, Me and Lisa at Robinson

After class, Lisa, Diana, JoAnne and I got on the bus and went to Robinson. JoAnne was after Dany and has been to the park every day since she heard (through the grapevine, I presume?) that Dany took me out. She wants him now, but he hasn’t accepted the challenge that no other man will accept. He can’t get up his courage, he doesn’t have the nerve, he’s not that desperate! She is very nice, in her way, but she makes guys want to stay as far away from her as possible. She comes on too strong, like thick coffee. And, honestly, I can tell why people don’t want to be too close to her, because I was there once; she has pukey-smelling breath. She smokes cigarettes constantly and never brushes her teeth, so her general odor is not a pleasant one. Smoke has settled into her clothes and hair permanently. Until she cleans herself up and learns how to act like a calm, rational human being and not a starfish, suctioning on to every thing she can stick to, Dany won’t even look at her twice. He likes the natural, beautiful look (like mine) and sometimes I feel (in my paranoid moments) like he won’t even look at me twice! But he sure flashes me that smile. JoAnne doesn’t have a chance with him, as was proven once again.

I told Dany I wasn’t feeling well, and he told me he was off duty today. He told me he had come to the park just to see me, so we spent the rest of the day together, talking. He invited me to lunch, but I was too sick to eat. He asked me if I like marijuana. Before answering, I asked him if he did, and he said he had tried it but didn’t like it, but he could get some for me, if I wanted some. I asked him how much it would cost. He laughed, stood up, and walked away from me.

I watched him walk across the park to the gift shop. (He was wearing that incredibly sexy, red Speedo bikini and a white polo shirt.) He said something to the lady working there, and she went out a back door while he waited by the cash register. A couple of minutes later, she returned with something in her hand, about the size and shape of a small wallet. She handed it to him and he folded it and put it in his shirt pocket. He said something else to her, she looked at me, and they laughed. I just kept smiling.

In a few minutes Dany returned to the lounge chair by the diving pool where I was sitting. He handed me the packet, a folded page torn from a magazine. I could feel the bulk of something inside. As I started to inspect it, he touched my arm.

“Not here,” he said quietly, glancing around.

“No one can see me from here.”

“People are watching. You take that home and do it. Put it away now.”

He didn’t have to tell me twice. I had just wanted to look at it, to see if it was the real thing and to see if it was as good as Mario’s. However, I had to wait. I put the packet in my bag.

“Are you sure you don’t want some?” I asked him.

“Bring some when we go out.” Maybe he did like it, just a little.

Dany told me he wants to come and visit me back home! Sure! I would certainly be proud if he were to visit me, and by next summer, I’ll have my own apartment. I told him that, and he said he will visit me there. He spoke with such a soft and sincere voice, I wanted to believe everything he said, but I know guys don’t always say exactly what they mean. They say what they think we want to hear, which is not always the best thing to do. Anyway, I can’t make any judgments as to whether or not Dany is being totally honest with me. Perhaps he was just fantasizing with me, giving both of us a dream. It is exciting to think about!

EVEN LATER AUGUST 1

Little statue my brother gave me

Later, during the night, I woke up with a horrible stomach ache. It was terrible, the worst I’ve ever had in my life. Montezuma’s Revenge, or something. I made my way, just about crawling, into the bathroom and stayed for almost two hours. I missed Mom. She could help me feel better. She would know just what to do. Just her hand on the back of my neck would help, her soothing voice telling me that I was alright, and I should go back and lie down in bed. My feet were so cold on the tile and I longed for our furry, pink bath mat where I could bury my toes. I was shivering for the longest time, then when I finally stopped freezing, I started to sweat, and I was too hot, burning up, and I couldn’t get any fresh air! I tried to open the window above the shower, but I couldn’t reach it to push it. I couldn’t get any leverage!

I wanted my Mama! Even my brother’s curious eyes in the background would have been a welcome sight. I wanted my familiar room and my familiar bathroom with the pink, fluffy carpet and the dark pink towels hanging, having been carefully folded in thirds, all facing the same direction, and placed on racks around the room, one always within reach, and where was one now, when I really needed it? Where was that fresh smell of Downy on a towel that was never used more than twice before it was washed again?

I sort of drifted off and dreamed of home, but when I woke up, I was still in that cold, bare, blue bathroom, I still had a tummy ache and was feeling all clammy. I took a quick hot shower and finally felt a little better, well enough to go lie down for a while. (They don’t have a bathtub, and no shower door or curtain, just a tile shower as big as a bathtub, that goes down a couple of inches from the floor.) (A bath would have been really nice.)

It was already past 8:00 by the time I got out of the bathroom! Lisa was still asleep. I whispered her name and she jumped up and put on her socks and shoes while still in her nightgown, then removed her gown to put on her pants and blouse. I was already dressed (I never go out of the bedroom with just my nightgown on, I always at least put on my shorts. This time, I had on the outfit I had planned to wear to school, shorts and a T-shirt) and I wasn’t hungry. Lisa, for once, passed up a hot meal and just had a glass of milk and some cold cereal, so we got out the door by 8:30.

We got to school by 8:40, but the rest of our classmates were gone! They had gone downtown. Lisa wandered around el instituto while I slipped into a small room with a couch and took a nap. Lisa woke me up about an hour later and we went to Gregg’s class, another boring hour of listening to notes on his future history book about Mexico. Why did he have to make it sound so DULL? This place is alive, and the history is all around us! He could have made it more exciting, but he must be accustomed to teaching from a stale classroom. He was just one more instructor that students were required to tolerate. He couldn’t possibly have made it fun and interesting, like this place is now! I can feel the spirit of all history of Mexico; this was a very hoppin’ place, full of songs and laughter and people! But even the most fun time and place can be reduced to mere words on a page if it’s not told right.

To be continued…

LATER AUGUST 1

Lisa really likes Benjamin. He is 26 years old, very nice, very respectable. One odd thing: even though he has a job, he still lives with his parents. Come to think of it, all the guys we have met still live with their parents, even the ones in their mid-20s. That situation is so common here in Mexico. I don’t know any guy in the states in his 20s who lives with his parents unless he is in college.

Anyway, Benjamin is tall, about 6’2”, thin, has brown, curly hair that is kind of fuzzy, he wears glasses, smiles a lot, talks with a soft voice. I have never gone out with a guy that old, and I don’t plan to do so (until I’m that age — but Lisa really likes him.) They haven’t gone out yet, but I wonder if he’ll expect anything from her?

Is that what the guys here think of American girls, that we’ll do it with any guy who asks? No way! I have spent hours and hours saying no to guys back home, and they (usually) accept my decision. Dany is different. Dany is special! I didn’t want to say no to him! I don’t plan to make love with any one else on this trip! I find myself thinking about him, his flashing smile, the sparkle in his eyes, his genuine laugh. Am I in love? I feel like it! All the time I spend with other people, Bart, Jorge, in class, I feel like I’m wasting time. I want to be sharing my time with Dany! He told me he loves me!

While we were outside it started raining, a sudden downpour that seemed like a monsoon for about a half hour, and we didn’t invite Benjamin and Jorge to come inside the house, so they left when we went inside. We had a talk about guys, one of our favorite topics.

“I thought I loved Mario, but I haven’t seen him since that one time. It really is true, isn’t it, that guys only want one thing from a girl, sex, and after they get it, they go on to another girl, another challenge. They only want you as long as you say no, but when you say yes, they’ll go for it, and then dump you.”

“I have heard about guys like that, but I think most guys like to have sex so much, it seems to me that once a girl says yes, he’s in, and he knows he can get it from her, so he’ll keep going back to her, even if it’s just for that one thing. It’s important to guys, they get all grouchy if they don’t get it.’

“What about the guy who goes out and does it with a girl, and she gets a bad reputation, because she did it with him, but his reputation is still fine, he’s even considered macho, a stud, cool. Then, he won’t be seen with the girl he did it to because she has a bad rep — even though he gave her that bad rep!”

“That’s the old double standard. If the guys do it, it’s OK, they’re so cool, but if we do it, we’re easy, loose, cheap, whatever.”

“And if we like it, we’re the ultimate sinners!”

“Really! Like, why does it matter? Why do they always talk about it and judge girls — and guys — according to if they have sex or not, if they like it or not?”

“Penis envy.”

“What are you talking about, Lisa?”

“My theory. Every guy wants to have the biggest one, right? They compare sizes in the bathroom, in locker rooms. The guys with the little ones talk big, to prove that they can do it, no matter how little they are. The guys with big ones don’t have to prove anything, they already have status.”

“That reminds me about my theory about guns.”

“Guns? You have a theory about guns? Jenny, you’re crazy! You are against guns! What is your theory about them?”

“About why they were invented. Hundreds of years ago, a bunch of guys were standing around, comparing sizes, and the guy with the littlest one figured he would never have what the others had—a big one. He would always have the smallest one. So, he decided he had to take out the guy with the biggest one, but how? He had to have a weapon. He invented a gun, and said to the other guys, Look at me now, I have the biggest one, this can shoot harder, farther, faster than all of yours put together!

“So they looked, and saw what he had. Now the guy with the biggest one didn’t have more than the guy with the little one, now the little guy had more! So the big guy made a bigger gun, and the little guy made a bigger one, another one made a cannon, on up to the invention of the atomic weapon!”

“So all of the world’s wars are based on penis envy!”

That sounded like as logical an explanation as any.