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March 12, 2012
Dany + Jenny

Dany and me

When we finally did return to the car, the guys told us they had been worried.

“We thought you were lost!” Dany said, the concern showing on his face.

“Los lobos didn’t get you!” Manuel added.

No, they didn’t.

Lisa and Manuel went for a walk and I felt cold, so Dany gave me his shirt. I asked him at least 20 times if he was cold, but he said he was fine. I felt kind of sleepy, so I crawled into the back seat. Even for someone with my small size, the back seat of a VW has no room to lie down. Dany sang me a love song in Spanish and I drifted to sleep for some time, I’m not sure how long. I guess it was only a few minutes, because when I woke up, Lisa and Manuel were still gone.

Dany’s mood was noticeably different. He had become distant, not smiling. Was he upset because I sort of passed out? He looked at me with a very serious expression on his face.

“What? Que? Please tell me what’s the matter!” I begged.

“We can’t go out any more,” he said flatly, looking away.

“Why not? I’ll be here for about another week…” I began.

“No. Jenny, I have a girlfriend. A Mexican girl that I am going to marry next year. She is a virgin.”

He didn’t have to say any more. I had been used. That explained so many things. Why hadn’t I seen it coming? Why had I opened myself to him, why had I let myself fall in love? I felt that my final humiliation would have been to let him see me cry, to admit to him that when he had told me he loved me, I had believed him. I felt like I had to pretend that I had been using him also.

“No me importa, I have a novio also,” I told him.

He moved closer to kiss me, but I had to turn away. I couldn’t bear to taste those sweet lips and know they were reserved for someone else. Well, I had been the tramp that he had practiced on, the one he had used to gain experience as a lover, so he’d know what to do on his wedding night. The thoughts were so painful, I felt sober instantly. But I didn’t want to feel. I grabbed another beer and gulped it quickly. I grabbed another, and I started to feel numb. His words kept ringing in my head. I didn’t hear another word he said. I wanted to get away from him as soon as possible.

Lisa and Manuel returned and we were home before I realized what was happening. (I don’t know if they had to push start the car or not. My mind had left the scene earlier.) Dany kissed me goodnight and seemed confused when I refused to return his kiss. I followed Lisa into the house and didn’t look back at the car. I never want to see Dany again!

Lisa asked me a couple of questions, but I pretended that I was too drunk to talk. I didn’t have the courage to confess to her that my heart had just been broken, that my world had been crushed, that I had been used again, this time by a beautiful, seductive man. I felt so dirty, so stupid. I went straight to bed.

I feel a little better this morning and when Lisa wakes up, maybe I’ll tell her what happened. Or maybe not. Maybe we will celebrate my freedom from love, my freedom to be myself without the face of a man in my mind at all times. I feel like crying now, so I can’t write any more.


From → Journal

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